Single Parents Should Always Plan for Custody Fight

If you're a single mom, you probably have an ex. And, even if you have full custody of your kids now or you have a great relationship with your ex and shared parenting, things may change.
Plan ahead for a custody battle. Always remember that a parent can initiate a custody fight at any time. That doesn't mean he'll win, but he can still make your life hell.
And if your life changes -- you remarry or begin a new relationship, you move, you lose your job, your child reaches the age of 12 or emotional maturity -- your ex is more likely to win a custody battle.
Don't believe that the same man who refused to change diapers, who never bothered to get up for midnight feedings and who parties every weekend will never want custody. He may want custody if he remarries or gets a steady girlfriend who will take care of the kids, if he doesn't want to pay child support or if he wants revenge.
It's important to plan ahead to prevent a custody fight and to win one if it does occur.
Documentation is key. In most states, you can record a conversation as long as one party knows about it. Save any negative communications. And try to have a witness around when your ex comes around.
Complain about your ex all you want to girlfriends and family if you have to vent. However, do not do it in front of the kids.
Now, this isn't as easy as you think. I'd advise not to even talk negatively about him on the phone, because the kids will hear about it. And, sometimes, kids will purposely misunderstand things he says because they want a reaction from you.
This doesn't mean you have to paint him as an angel. The truism "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" should apply.
And your kids will probably not make it easy for you. You will hear reports from them about your ex saying negative things about you.
The kids will also tell you that "Daddy" always lets them (pick a phrase)

• eat at Hooter's
• stay up late playing video games
• watch R movies
• watch him and his girlfriend have sex.

After many years of making mistakes, I've learned what works best with my kids. If my kids tell me their father is saying negative things about me, I just remind them that they know me, too, and they need to think for themselves. Have they ever seen me (pick a phrase)

• do drugs
• get drunk
• hit him
• yell at their paternal grandmother?

If it's something that's really objectionable, such as "Daddy said you're a bitch," just take a deep breath and explain that not even daddies and mommies should use such words and they're not polite.
Some exes say things that can't be easily verified. For example, I've heard of exes saying that the other parent didn't want the child. Again, you've got to think like an adult and help your child think rationally.
However, if your relationship gets that nasty, it might be wise to write a very polite and rational letter (saving a copy for your legal files) indicating that your child told you that your ex said this and asking for his help in reassuring the child.
By the way, always make sure your conversations, whether by phone, email or regular mail, are courteous, because they may be recorded. Even if it's not admissible in court, which it usually is, it can be used to poison the minds of those around you. If your ex hits a nerve, politely tell him that you can't talk and hang up immediately. I always write a letter, because it gives me time to think and phrase everything correctly. In addition, I get to choose the topic. Phone calls can go awry very easily, and emails are so quick, it's easy to write something offensive.
Another problem, even with the best of exes, occurs when they engage in unacceptable behavior. Unless the behavior is dangerous, such as a father giving a child drugs, it's best not even to comment to the child. Afterward, write a letter to the father.
Quite frankly, even if you think it's horrible that he took the kids to Hooters or let them watch a R-rated show, it probably isn't going to affect the kids as much as if you go ballistic.
When parents separate, it's always a good idea for them to draw up a list of rules for the children. Both parents should sign and date it. Then, if it comes down to it, one parent can't say she or he didn't know a certain action was objectionable.
Even if your ex refuses to participate, by sending this list of rules, you are communicating in a positive manner to your ex. If it ever comes down to court, you'll only benefit.