When I was young, some TV shows were still in black and white. There were no microwaves. And when we grew bored, my mother would tell us to go outside and play.
Each of my kids has a computer and a cell phone. My 15-year-old has set up an elaborate stereo system. The 17-year-old just received an XBox 360 in addition to all his other video game systems. They all play World of Warcraft, in addition to other MMORPGs. And each gets a new computer every two years or so.
My mother says the kids are spoiled. As usual, she brings up my sister, saying that my sister only has one computer in the entire house. Well, my sister isn't homeschooling her kids, and her kids aren't separated from their friends in their old home town.
In addition, since the family doesn't use a landline, they're constantly talking or texting on their cells, and when someone's cell ring goes off, it's confusing finding the phone and figuring out whose it is. That would drive me nuts!
I don't closely monitor my kids' activities on the Internet any more. They learned the hard way after having to restore their hard drives when they visited porn sites and crack sites.
I'm the worst one when it comes to my computer. I email constantly, even if it's to my mom, who lives just across the highway. In fact, I prefer to email her because she has difficulty sleeping, and I hate to disturb her with a phone call. Email gives recipients the option of answering when they have the time, so I much prefer it to using the phone.
I record my schedule on Outlook. I contact potential employers via online portals and email. I developed the Web site, graphics and labels for my mom's and my infant venture via computer. I search out festivals. I take online classes.
And I play games. My kids think I'm a Text Twist junkie, but I like the way it makes my brain work differently. I used to play Diablo, but the kids broke my CD, and I'm too cheap to buy another.
I remember, way back when Atari had the best game systems, that I never thought I'd depend on computers this much. Boy, was I wrong!
Monday, May 4, 2009
Eating Out with Unruly Children
I received my tax return a while back, so I took the kids out to dinner at a Chinese buffet. They were pretty excited, because, since I lost my job, we've been eating at home most of the time.
It was a horrible experience!
Mr. 13-year-old "I'm-the-favorite" proclaimed that he didn't like Chinese food, so I spent $10 for him to eat macaroni and cheese and green beans. He also called his older brothers "fatty" several times...and, no, I don't believe he meant to put a ph in place of the f.
The hyper 15-year-old couldn't seem to stop swearing and talking about inappropriate (mostly vulgar) matters. He left a bigger mess around his plate than the dog would have. He was so out of control that I asked him several times whether he'd taken his meds.
The 16-year-old "I'm-your-only-good-kid" joined in on the vulgar verbal fun with his younger brother. In addition, he threatened the youngest with family excommunication if he didn't eat at least one piece of fried food!
Honest, I DID NOT raise these children this way.
And they usually aren't that bad. Granted, Hyper Boy is sloppy. I remember him falling asleep, face first, into his mashed potatoes when he was just a baby. And the youngest and oldest both love attention - whether good or bad.
But I was so embarrassed by their behavior, I threatened to never take them to a sit-down restaurant again. Although they attempted to act like it didn't bother them, the next time I took them, they behaved.
Of course, that could have been because my mother was there, and they knew if they misbehaved, they'd get THE LOOK!
It was a horrible experience!
Mr. 13-year-old "I'm-the-favorite" proclaimed that he didn't like Chinese food, so I spent $10 for him to eat macaroni and cheese and green beans. He also called his older brothers "fatty" several times...and, no, I don't believe he meant to put a ph in place of the f.
The hyper 15-year-old couldn't seem to stop swearing and talking about inappropriate (mostly vulgar) matters. He left a bigger mess around his plate than the dog would have. He was so out of control that I asked him several times whether he'd taken his meds.
The 16-year-old "I'm-your-only-good-kid" joined in on the vulgar verbal fun with his younger brother. In addition, he threatened the youngest with family excommunication if he didn't eat at least one piece of fried food!
Honest, I DID NOT raise these children this way.
And they usually aren't that bad. Granted, Hyper Boy is sloppy. I remember him falling asleep, face first, into his mashed potatoes when he was just a baby. And the youngest and oldest both love attention - whether good or bad.
But I was so embarrassed by their behavior, I threatened to never take them to a sit-down restaurant again. Although they attempted to act like it didn't bother them, the next time I took them, they behaved.
Of course, that could have been because my mother was there, and they knew if they misbehaved, they'd get THE LOOK!
Single Parents Should Always Plan for Custody Fight
If you're a single mom, you probably have an ex. And, even if you have full custody of your kids now or you have a great relationship with your ex and shared parenting, things may change.
Plan ahead for a custody battle. Always remember that a parent can initiate a custody fight at any time. That doesn't mean he'll win, but he can still make your life hell.
And if your life changes -- you remarry or begin a new relationship, you move, you lose your job, your child reaches the age of 12 or emotional maturity -- your ex is more likely to win a custody battle.
Don't believe that the same man who refused to change diapers, who never bothered to get up for midnight feedings and who parties every weekend will never want custody. He may want custody if he remarries or gets a steady girlfriend who will take care of the kids, if he doesn't want to pay child support or if he wants revenge.
It's important to plan ahead to prevent a custody fight and to win one if it does occur.
Documentation is key. In most states, you can record a conversation as long as one party knows about it. Save any negative communications. And try to have a witness around when your ex comes around.
Complain about your ex all you want to girlfriends and family if you have to vent. However, do not do it in front of the kids.
Now, this isn't as easy as you think. I'd advise not to even talk negatively about him on the phone, because the kids will hear about it. And, sometimes, kids will purposely misunderstand things he says because they want a reaction from you.
This doesn't mean you have to paint him as an angel. The truism "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" should apply.
And your kids will probably not make it easy for you. You will hear reports from them about your ex saying negative things about you.
The kids will also tell you that "Daddy" always lets them (pick a phrase)
Some exes say things that can't be easily verified. For example, I've heard of exes saying that the other parent didn't want the child. Again, you've got to think like an adult and help your child think rationally.
However, if your relationship gets that nasty, it might be wise to write a very polite and rational letter (saving a copy for your legal files) indicating that your child told you that your ex said this and asking for his help in reassuring the child.
By the way, always make sure your conversations, whether by phone, email or regular mail, are courteous, because they may be recorded. Even if it's not admissible in court, which it usually is, it can be used to poison the minds of those around you. If your ex hits a nerve, politely tell him that you can't talk and hang up immediately. I always write a letter, because it gives me time to think and phrase everything correctly. In addition, I get to choose the topic. Phone calls can go awry very easily, and emails are so quick, it's easy to write something offensive.
Another problem, even with the best of exes, occurs when they engage in unacceptable behavior. Unless the behavior is dangerous, such as a father giving a child drugs, it's best not even to comment to the child. Afterward, write a letter to the father.
Quite frankly, even if you think it's horrible that he took the kids to Hooters or let them watch a R-rated show, it probably isn't going to affect the kids as much as if you go ballistic.
When parents separate, it's always a good idea for them to draw up a list of rules for the children. Both parents should sign and date it. Then, if it comes down to it, one parent can't say she or he didn't know a certain action was objectionable.
Even if your ex refuses to participate, by sending this list of rules, you are communicating in a positive manner to your ex. If it ever comes down to court, you'll only benefit.
Plan ahead for a custody battle. Always remember that a parent can initiate a custody fight at any time. That doesn't mean he'll win, but he can still make your life hell.
And if your life changes -- you remarry or begin a new relationship, you move, you lose your job, your child reaches the age of 12 or emotional maturity -- your ex is more likely to win a custody battle.
Don't believe that the same man who refused to change diapers, who never bothered to get up for midnight feedings and who parties every weekend will never want custody. He may want custody if he remarries or gets a steady girlfriend who will take care of the kids, if he doesn't want to pay child support or if he wants revenge.
It's important to plan ahead to prevent a custody fight and to win one if it does occur.
Documentation is key. In most states, you can record a conversation as long as one party knows about it. Save any negative communications. And try to have a witness around when your ex comes around.
Complain about your ex all you want to girlfriends and family if you have to vent. However, do not do it in front of the kids.
Now, this isn't as easy as you think. I'd advise not to even talk negatively about him on the phone, because the kids will hear about it. And, sometimes, kids will purposely misunderstand things he says because they want a reaction from you.
This doesn't mean you have to paint him as an angel. The truism "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" should apply.
And your kids will probably not make it easy for you. You will hear reports from them about your ex saying negative things about you.
The kids will also tell you that "Daddy" always lets them (pick a phrase)
- eat at Hooter's
- stay up late playing video games
- watch R movies
- watch him and his girlfriend have sex.
- do drugs
- get drunk
- hit him
- yell at their paternal grandmother?
Some exes say things that can't be easily verified. For example, I've heard of exes saying that the other parent didn't want the child. Again, you've got to think like an adult and help your child think rationally.
However, if your relationship gets that nasty, it might be wise to write a very polite and rational letter (saving a copy for your legal files) indicating that your child told you that your ex said this and asking for his help in reassuring the child.
By the way, always make sure your conversations, whether by phone, email or regular mail, are courteous, because they may be recorded. Even if it's not admissible in court, which it usually is, it can be used to poison the minds of those around you. If your ex hits a nerve, politely tell him that you can't talk and hang up immediately. I always write a letter, because it gives me time to think and phrase everything correctly. In addition, I get to choose the topic. Phone calls can go awry very easily, and emails are so quick, it's easy to write something offensive.
Another problem, even with the best of exes, occurs when they engage in unacceptable behavior. Unless the behavior is dangerous, such as a father giving a child drugs, it's best not even to comment to the child. Afterward, write a letter to the father.
Quite frankly, even if you think it's horrible that he took the kids to Hooters or let them watch a R-rated show, it probably isn't going to affect the kids as much as if you go ballistic.
When parents separate, it's always a good idea for them to draw up a list of rules for the children. Both parents should sign and date it. Then, if it comes down to it, one parent can't say she or he didn't know a certain action was objectionable.
Even if your ex refuses to participate, by sending this list of rules, you are communicating in a positive manner to your ex. If it ever comes down to court, you'll only benefit.
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